Well so come on, and hold me, Don't put out the lights..

A false sacrifice

2009-08-06T20:18:06Z

       Shadow thought. "Hey, Jacquel?"
       "Yeah."
      "Do you believe in the soul?" It wasn't quite the question he had been going to ask, and it took him by surprise to hear it coming from his mouth. He had intended to say something less direct, but there was nothing less direct that he could say.
      "Depends. Back in my day, we had it all set up. You lined up when you died, and you'd answer for your evil deeds and for your good deeds, and if your evil outweighed a feather, we'd feed your soul and your heart to Ammet, the Eater of Souls.
       "He must have eaten a lot of people."
       "Not as many as you'd think. It was a really heavy feather. We had made it special. You had to be pretty damn evil to tip the scales on that baby."

- From American Gods, by Neil Gaiman.

One of the worst books I've read (had to for AP English summerwork) but I keep hoping it'll improve itself. I think it may, when some of my damn questions get answered. Who knows, for I'm on page 250ish of 600. I still have hope for this (so far) waste of trees.

However, I do love this passage.

brittttdukason @ 2009-06-09T17:28:00

2009-06-09T21:31:06Z

I dont care how lame this letter sounds, or how immature. I was silently crying the whole time I wrote it. I had to write a letter for an assignment on someone who's impacted my life in either a positive or negative way. I did both, and I'm so glad I did.

I don’t even know how to start this, for we haven’t even spoken in three years. I can never truly talk about you to anyone. Mother still scoffs and says it was only an infatuation. Sure, Mum. But even if this is so, you’ve taught me so much. Even you couldn’t even guess at the impact you’ve had on my life.

I will always remember what you’ve done, how you molded my still-naïve mind into the person I am today. I want to tell you of the impact you’ve had on me, what I hold from you still, even though you are unaware.

When we were dating, I was literally floating. Your accent, gifts, your sweetness, your truthfulness about the troubles in your life… I was swept far away. You were everything to me. I appreciate what you gave me then, and what I was able to give back in return. You’d never told any of this stuff to anyone: How much you’d struggled to fit in since you’d moved here, how lame the guys were sometimes. From this I figured out why you always were trying to impress your “friends,” especially when they kept you around to make fun of you; to make themselves feel better. Just go back to Texas, we don’t need you anymore. From this I keep the knowledge that any relationship needs a give and take thing: When you talk, I’ll listen. When I talk, you listen.

Listening to your friends’ spiteful comments on my eyes was really the first time I’ve been offended by others’ comments on my appearance. My grandfather always used to say I was shipped over from China, but we all laughed. You’re just unique, Britty. Now, it didn’t seem so funny to be called Ling-Ling, and to ask if I could see through my eyelids. I remember when you stood up for me, a first for your time in New Hampshire. They backed right off. From this I’ve carried the knowledge of two things: If you’d have stood up for yourself as much, they’d have so much more respect for you. This applies to my life, and I’ve passed this down to my little cousin, too. Also, I’ve learned not to take to heart what people say about my appearance. You know what, I like how my eyes are; they are now my favorite feature. Thank you for handing me off that confidence by that one act of defiance.

But then, receiving that cruel voicemail… I can’t tell you of my feelings. I still have it, and tears always run silently down my face when I have the notion to listen. Please call back if you have questions… On second thought, don’t even try. Maybe because it was so sudden, I wasn’t expecting it. I was a lazy balloon, and nothing could bring me down, until you popped me to bits. I was so betrayed, I felt like I didn’t know this pitiless person at all. But looking back, I see how the puzzle pieces fell into place as they did, and I regret not being there to help better, to prevent this. I couldn’t help you then, and it is far too late now. I absolutely hate this about myself. I wish I could reverse time and help you out. From this, I mandate myself to help people as much as I can, getting involved in difficult situations if I can simply help out a bit. I just feel so guilty that I couldn’t do this for you.

Anyways, the nice messages you left me are even harder to listen to; I can’t do those at all. Just wondering what book you wanted me to pick up at Barnes & Nobles, I know you love your reading… Wishing you could be here in school with me… It’s thundering real bad; where are you to watch for the lightning with me? But this message was of a different kind; to hear that unknown boy relate your cruel voice message in such a humorous way was nothing short of humiliating. I felt like all I represented was a joke to you, and that is something I hurt from for a long time. However, I know this is not true, for I know you too well for that. You took your friends’ advice, for you were not strong enough to stand up to them. I learned to not listen to what others thought. Yes, this has stabbed me in the back a few times, but overall, I’m glad I don’t listen, for there’s a lot I’d have missed out on.

You’ve hurt me greatly, and for a few years I carried that around, a noticeable weight on my shoulders. But you’ve also taught me much more. You’ve taught me the difference between love and like. You’ve taught me how to figure people out, how to talk to them and how to be around them while still staying true to myself. I couldn’t trust for a while after you. One day in retrospect, I realized through what happened with you, that I have to trust, I have to love, I have to take a risk and put myself out there, for I can only reap the benefits if I attempt. You’ve taught me to stand up for myself after that fateful Saturday. I promised myself never again, and I stayed true to that promise. You’ve given me self-confidence, a drive to succeed, to prove to you and all your friends who thought I wasn’t good enough to succeed. You’ve helped me be closer to Daddy by telling him almost everything, by him telling me his experiences in return, both of us learning from the other. When you talk, I’ll listen. When I talk, you listen.

What I like most about this is the karma. You humiliated me, left me in the dust. Came back for me twice, but then didn’t follow through for more than a month. I was down, depressed, unable to talk about you for fear of the constant tears. I’d never had a real boyfriend before you; it was all innocent middle school stuff. I still had feelings for you for two years, call it love, call it like, call it infatuation, whatever. I also hated you for two years, for the malicious things you pulled on me. I missed you, I hated you, I loved you; more than you'd ever ever suppose. For a while, you kept leaving breadcrumbs at your heels every time you left. I’d gobble them all up, as if I was starving. Yet after two years, I let the birds get them. I’ve moved on. Still, I am now a stronger person. I do not regret what happened at all, in fact, I’m very glad about it. I feel like I’m better equipped to deal with everything: sorrow, joy, love, hate, relationships, life. I was taught lessons, I was humbled, I got over it. I’m a much better and healthier person, with relationships that hold me up, and a life that is basically perfect. You’ll always be there to hurt me, but to make me stronger also, to help me. I could never give this letter to you, it makes me far too vulnerable. But I know you well, and I know you’d see where I was coming from on a lot of these things. I just hope life will treat you better soon that it is now. Find a girl, go back to high school, get a job, have a normal if simple life. I wish you all the things you’ve unknowingly taught me.

And really, I thank you for everything.

Everything looks beautiful, the whole damn city

2009-04-15T20:07:23Z

The other night, I was about ready to fall asleep when Mother reminded me to turn off the hall light. I always forget, and my room is closest to the switch, and I'm usually the last asleep, so its always my fault. No worries. ANYWAYS, I was like "Of course I'll turn off the light. Who do you think I am?!" Like joking, and sarcastic, etc.

Mother responded, "Brittany Peters, of course, who never remembers." In all joking.

And I realized, I was happy, I AM happy, to be Brittany Peters, to have the life I lead, to have my health and my family's health and my brother and parents and four grandparents and boyfriend and puppy and art supplies and car and life and Sunapee and,

I'm not sure, I was just happy that I was happy with my life.

Not that its ever been truely terrible, youknow. Its just nice to have a realization like that.

You're not the only one..

2009-03-02T20:18:59Z

Never, ever, ever, could I have expected this..

I'm still in shock/denial.. scrapbooking this morning, I kept telling myself it wasnt true..

I'm not mad, just shocked. Its kinda like you were expecting another stair walking down but there's nothing there and you kinda fall forward. Everything I've gone through, I've always been able to depend on this, its my rock, always full of love and support..

There’s a tidal wave heading towards this town
Gonna turn everything round and round
It’s a singular force but its choice is set in this course
Its inevitable, its unthinkable, its understandable.
Still means I’ll drown
As this tidal wave turns everyone inside out and upside down

The waves will sink under my feet,
Distort everything I’ve come to know
The salt from the waves burns
Cuts that are already sore
I don’t even know in what direction it came
With so much to lose, I can’t see any gain
The facts are sometimes a shame
But its important to remember there’s no one to blame.

Next Year's Schedule/Junior Semester 1 Grades..

2009-02-18T21:48:44Z

Full Year Classes:
1) AP English .. please shoot me :)
2) Pre-Calculus
3) Spanish 4
4) Orchestra, ha.

Half Year Classes:
1) Public Speaking
2) Anatomy and Physiology
3) Wellness, stupid.
4) Psychology
5) Intro to Stats .. Stats is my only math course I'll have to take in college, so even though two classes of math in one day will kill me.. its worth it.
6) Creative Bookwriting - just because I wanna take it so bad. But it might have to go. I'll already have half a credit extra of English.. depends how AP goes :(

I'm going to do well in AP. I've promised myself that. Its do-able, if you dont procrastinate. And I'm an excellent procrastinator. But I'll get through it...

Grades for this Year.. Junior Year, Semester 1:
* - Accelerated / Honors course.

*Physics - 85 - B    Exam, 75 - C (Parents were very unhappy with this \: )
*American Studies (History / English) - 95 - A    Exam, 89 - B+ ugh
Orchestra - 95 - A   Exam, 97 - A+ (And that thing was damn hard!)
*Spanish III - 89 - B+ (UGH)   Exam, 81 - B-
*Algebra II - 85 - B   Exam, 60 - D- ... I cried this whole midterm. It SUCKED. I felt like I didnt know annyything. I was really upset about it.. and my daddy really was too. :\ I hate dissapointing him.

I was really dissapointed with this.. merp. I mean its good.. my lowest is an 85. I just wanna do better.. Like, lowest be a 90. I got honors with distinction. My GPA is a 3.900 .. I want it to be at least a 4.2.

Reeeallly looking at Colorado State for college.. I know its way far away, but I looove NH. I wanna spend my whole life here. Close to Boston / New York-ish, close to mountains (snowboarding), ocean, lakes, good place to raise a family. So I feel like I needa get out and enjoy life a bit in college. and come back here to settle. Who knows. Plus, Colorado State is sooo much cheaper than UNH. like, 88,000 for 4 years verses, oh, 40,000. yep.

Annnyyways, FLORIDA next Monday.. very exciting. And I'm spending the weekend @ Shaun's lake house this weekend :) exciting as well.

I've become absolutely obsessed with this ska/Irish-ish Boston band, Big D and the Kids Table. Definitely check them out.. my favorites are "These Kids Suck" and "Evil Girl/Angry Girl." They're catchy, and addicting, and happy-making. Their lyrics arent the most creative, but its worth it.

This was a boring entry, I'm sorry. I've tried to write better ones these past few weeks, something half interesting, but it never works out. So I guess I'll continue like this..

My cousin won this contest..

2009-02-04T16:41:02Z

I really like the speech.. She won out of her class, then eight other classes to win the entire thing for her school .. and is now going to compete against other schools.. She's a sophomore and really coming into her own. Its neat, the part where she says she tried to fit in so much, that she lost herself a bit.. It could apply to any high school kid really, but I've seen it on her too, she's sometimes shy but ask her about plays or movies or anything she shows interest in and she comes alive.. And she's so good at saying this speech. I'd reccommend it even if she wasnt my cousin.

Listen to her speech - www.proctoracademy.org/podium/MediaLibrary/player/default.aspx

Came home sick today. Going to go sleep more.. Just wrote this when I was listening to her speech and felt like posting it for the few people that bother with this site :)

brittttdukason @ 2009-01-29T19:35:00

2009-01-30T01:08:18Z

So, Father and I have just determined, I’m buying a VW Van and we’re driving cross-country to California to see John Mayer live. Probably three of my life’s dreams right there – John Mayer live, travel the country, and best of all, the VW Van.<3 Oh! And I get to do it all with my father :]

I knitted him a scarf for Christmas, he insisted on wearing it asap. Typical, he's a goofy guy.

.

Good Thing

2009-01-25T16:40:58Z

Last night was my Christmas present from Shaun, a Reel Big Fish / Streetlight Manifesto concert. It was complete madness!

But i've never had so much fun at a concert in my life. First was Tip the Van, they were neat because they had a girl trombone player and two girls that were just singers - and they harmonized beautifully for a live concert. I've never really seen girls in a ska so that was neat.
Next was Streetlight! They played my two favorite songs, so that was great. However, I honestly could not tell you what the members of Streetlight look like cause there were so many people. Unfortunately, people were moshing basically, and I was looking forward to the skanking. Like inbetween songs they'd clear out a circle and people would start skanking, but as soon as a song started it got mobbed. I definitely saw the biggest circle ever though. It was two, and I was in the center, but then we pushed it out for a few, it was great.
I also barely saw Shaun during this part of the concert (I didn’t mind, I don’t need to be glued to his side) but it was wicked funny when I turned around and he was right behind my right shoulder, because I was like HEY! and he looked down and was like, Hey! I didn’t even realize that was you! Ha. Silly boy. Then a half-empty water bottle hit him in the head and someone grabbed it and threw the water over everyone.. I was soaked but it felt SO good. I had bought a Streetlight sweatshirt and I didn’t want it to get stolen so I had to wear it at the concert. My shoulders are sore from being pushed and pushing other people away.

Reel Big Fish was definitely the highlight. They played my three favorite songs: Take on Me, Good Thing, and of course I'm not denying it: Sellout's such a swell song. There was a lot more skanking during this part, and I was so excited. The lead singer kept saying, Oh yeah, we're Reel Big Fish, remember? Ha, as if I could forget :] Ah skanking with Shaun was a blast, specially during Good Thing, cause that's one of our songs. During the third to last song, my toe got completely smashed upon, and as I'm writing this its still throbbing. its not broken.. but even if its still I cant get it comfortable. But then Sellout came on! And all night I had been saying, when Sellout comes on I’m going insane. Ha. So I fept skanking, and it only got stepped on one more time. Then we were trying to get out of the pits – I didn’t realize they were playing one more song. We got Shaun’s jacket, but then as soon as they started saying “1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4!” for Take on Me, Shaun threw his sweatshirt at me and jumped back in – he had said all night that was the song he was going crazy for. That was definitely the best skanking of the night, during that song.

Oh! It was all so amazing. I’ve never had so much fun at a concert in my life. Green Day will always be a teensy step above every other concert I will ever go to, just cause I lived for them when I saw them so many years ago. But that was a big concert .. I love the small little venues where everyone’s nice and you get to skank and not mosh. Plus I hate to be a typical teenage girl, but a concert with Shaun really did make it so much better. Specally Good Thing. He's a great person.. I'm very lucky to have him. Idk.

But now I have to go pick up Kimberly and we’re going shopping cause I desperately need some new jeans! And then its studying all day for midterms.

Peace&Love :]